Happy No Matter What
What’s Your Approval Seeking Personality Type
In my work with approval addicts I’ve noticed several approval seeking personality types. I created the 7 approval seeking personality types below as a tool to help my clients become more aware of what they do. These aren’t meant to be mutually exclusive categories. You might find you identify with several. Take a look at the personality types below and post your “approval seeking personality type” to the comments section. I’ll start!
1. The Hero Worshiper Master Certified Martha Beck life coach Bridgette Boudreau describes this as Pedestal Syndrome or the act of ” glomming onto someone you admire and dysfunctionally hero-worshiping them.”
Some signs you might be a Hero Worshiper:
You’re, well, clingy. You obsess over your hero, doing whatever it takes to win her favor. You over analyze everything you do or say around her. You take everything she says or does personally even though she probably isn’t devoting a fraction of the mental energy on you as you’d like her to. Your “hero” can be one person or a group of people.
2. The Perfectionist. People are often surprised when I refer to perfectionists as approval addicts. I think this quote by Brene’ Brown explains why perfectionists tend to be addicted to approval:
“We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. ”
Some signs you might be a Perfectionist:
You secretly fear failure because of what you makes it mean about yourself – “I’m not good enough, other people will judge me” – so you hold back, play small. You believe there is a right way to do things and you make this so big in your mind that it provides you with an excuse to take no action at all. This gives you a false sense of security because you don’t have to risk being vulnerable to disapproval.
3. The Performer You are a gold star chaser and an entertainer. Performing is how you think you get the love and security you want.
Some signs you might be a Perfomer:
You are constantly trying to manipulate the opinions of other people in your favor by achieving the highest awards, constantly winning or by being the most entertaining in the room. You tend to be tired, overworked and overscheduled yet you are totally lost because you have no clear sense of what you find interesting or fun. You get frustrated, angry or anxious when you can’t seem to impress enough.
4. The Helper You believe that if you can just make yourself valuable enough to others by helping you will get the love and security you seek.
Some signs you might be a Helper:
Like the Performer you are often tired, overworked and overscheduled but in your case it is because you are always helping, helping helping. You are overworked from having no boundaries. You often feel resentful or frustrated when your good deeds are not reciprocated or you don’t get the gratitude or recognition you think you deserve.
5. The Chameleon You are a shape shifter. You change depending on who you are around.
Some signs you might be a Chameleon:
You have no clear sense of your own identify because you’re always morphing into someone else. You are fast to adapt based on what you perceive to be the needs, opinions or expectations of other people. Because of this, you often find social functions exhausting.
6. The Hater Frustrated by years of what you perceive as not getting approval, you turn on others by disapproving of them first.
Some signs you might be a Hater:
You tend to be quick to criticize or judge other people. Unlike the chameleon or the performer, you would be more likely reject what you think to be the opinions or expectations of other people through your words, actions or appearance. But like most other approval addicts, you are so externally focused that you have no clear sense of your own identity.
7. The Scaredy Cat You fear disapproval because you think it will threaten your security or self worth.
Some signs you might be a Scaredy Cat:
Like the perfectionist, you play small and avoid taking risks because the thought of judgement, failure or disapproval terrifies you. You feel anxious most of the time (often though you can’t put your finger on why). You’re out of touch with reality because you are driven by fear and worst case scenario thinking. You hate the thought of being ” too open” or “too vulnerable.” You might even try to make yourself invisible.
P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse. Just in time for the holidays!
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I went to drop the twins off at preschool the other day. Anthony had been throwing up the night before but he seemed fine in the morning so I decided to take him. I mentioned this to Lisa, one of the preschool teachers, and she seemed uncomfortable. She told me there was a new policy – the children have to be well 24 hours before returning to school. “But let me check with Rachel…” she said hesitantly.
Rachel, Anthony’s other teacher, was standing nearby. She turned to me and, without blinking, said with firm resolve “yes, that’s the policy.”
While I pried Anthony away from the train table, Lisa’s tone was apologetic as she went to double check with the director.
I was annoyed. “Great, they’re just going to spring this on me?!” I thought.
On the way home, I stewed (I stew a lot while driving). It didn’t take long for me to realize how silly it was to be annoyed. Of course there is a 24 hour policy! Preschool kids spread illness faster than Martha Beck can extend a metaphor. Of course Anthony should stay home! The poor kid barely got any sleep the night before.
So why was I annoyed?
In Sacred Choices, Christel Nani writes about what she calls apology energy. It’s basically the act of “energetically apologizing” for something we feel guilty about.
I colleague of mine, for example, mentioned feeling uncomfortable about telling a former client her new, considerably higher rates. She didn’t like having to tell this client that her new rates might not be within her budget and I suspect felt guilty about excluding her.
When we feel guilty, it’s often a clue that something we want is in conflict with a belief system we got from our Everybody. This keeps us conflicted about the thing we want so we often feel guilty for wanting it. And according to Nani, “apology on the inside invites criticism and judgment on the outside.” Your energetic broadcast, she says, teaches people how to treat you.
Perhaps my colleague had a belief that “Good people charge prices for their services that everyone can afford.”
Back to the original story. I was annoyed because Lisa was broadcasting apology energy. Rachel on the other hand was 100 percent behind her pronouncement: no kids are to be dropped off at school when they were sick the night before. Period. While stewing on the way home, I had to appreciate her…
This wasn’t the first time I’d been on the receiving end of Rachel’s assertive pronouncements (like when she told me not to send Alice to school in too-tight leggings because they’re too hard for the child to put on and off by herself). And although it inconveniences me from time to time, I appreciate her strength and resolve.
Both Lisa and Rachel are wonderful teachers. There is no question. While on the surface Lisa seems better with the adults, I have a hunch she’s addicted to approval. And approval addicts tend to apologize a lot on the inside. Many of us unconsciously carry beliefs like “I have to make other people happy all the time,” or “If someone is upset by what I say, there might be something wrong with me.”
So… where are you energetically apologizing? The trick is to uncover the belief that has you feeling guilty then change it.
You may not be saying it out loud but your energy speaks volumes.
And remember, you teach people how to treat you. Whether its conscious or not.
P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!
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{ 2 Comments }On Forgiveness
I had the opportunity to review Walter E. Jacobson’s Forgive to Win for his book launch today. It’s a thought provoking little book that got me thinking a lot about the concept of forgiveness.
Forgiveness a Path to Self-love?
Since self-love is often a huge challenge for many of my clients, I found Jacobson’s take on forgiveness intriguing. We all know that it feels better to forgive but according to Jacobson, forgiveness can also help us to love ourselves.
Consider the defense mechanism of projection. According to Jacobson, forgiveness can operate like projection in reverse. When we project, we unconsciously sweep the parts of ourselves we reject under the rug by rejecting people who demonstrate the things we don’t like about ourselves. In Forgive to Win, Jacobson offers “The Forgiveness Diet” as a way to accept and ultimately love ourselves by offering others the same kind of unconditional love we wish to give to ourselves through forgiveness.
Why it’s Hard
Jacobson points out why we’re often reluctant to forgive. We believe, by forgiving, we are also saying…
- we’re okay with what they did,
- we don’t expect them to be accountable for their behavior,
- we’re weak, or
- we’re inviting them to continue to mistreat or abuse us.
Reframing Forgiveness
So, first, reframe forgiveness. Karla McLaren, author of the Language of Emotions puts it this way:
“Real forgiveness does not make excuses for other people’s improper behavior. Real forgiveness does not tell itself that everyone always does the best they know how, because that’s preposterous. Do you always do your best? Do I? Of course not! We all make mistakes, and we all do things we’re not proud of. Real forgiveness knows this; it doesn’t set itself up as an advocate for the tormentors in your life.”
Real forgiveness, according to McLaren, says” I see that you were doing what worked for you at the time, but it never, ever worked for me!”
What About Anger?
In Forgive to Win, Jacobson writes “When we find it difficult to forgive others because our anger is so all-consuming and we feel incapable of releasing it, it will help us to remind ourselves that anger is our enemy.” Here is where I respectfully disagree with Jacobson.
Any time we make our emotional response an enemy, we lose. Forgiveness after all is not the opposite of anger. I have learned first-hand thanks to the wonderful work of Karla McLaren that anger, like all emotions, carries with it important information. It can tell us when we need to protect our boundaries and helps us to restore our sense of strength. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is not an emotion; it’s an act. If done authentically it can bring about the feeling state of peace. The key to forgiveness, in my opinion, is to remember to first honor your anger. Don’t push it away and try to forgive. Honor your anger then try to find peace through forgiveness.
Humanize Rather Than Demonize
Jacobson suggests finding ways to “humanize rather than demonize” when it comes to forgiveness. He draws on the wisdom of A Course in Miracles when he points out that we can choose to perceive the things other people do as malicious and mean-spirited or we can choose to perceive them as a misguided call for love.
The Bottom Line?
Forgive for you. Forgive while also honoring your emotions. Forgive because it feels so much better and, according to Jacobson, it might just make you feel better about yourself too.
For more about Forgive to Win, click here.
P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!
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{ 1 Comment }10 Signs You Might Be Addicted to Approval
1. You think you can read minds.
I believe telepathy exists. One time my husband touched my back and the word “courage” popped into my head. I asked him what he was thinking at the time and he said, “be brave.” But that’s about it for me when it comes to psychic experience.
Yet back in the hey day of my approval addiction, everything I did – from what I chose to wear to the degree I got, boiled down to the unspoken premise that I knew what people would think about my choices.
Reality Check:
Most people cannot read other people’s thoughts. Try to keep this in mind the next time you think you know what “everyone” will think.
2. You think you have the power to control people’s thoughts.
I find the idea of thought control fascinating… I used to collect World War II Propaganda and read books like 1984 and You Are Being Lied To. Maybe all that paranoid focus on the dark side of persuasion helped me stay in the dark about the sheer amount of time and energy I put into manipulating the opinions of other people in my favor.
Reality Check:
You can do your best to “make a good impression” but in the end you have no control over what people think about you.
3. You think you’re the center of the universe yet mange to have very little confidence.
The second-guessing would usually start on the way home. I’d replay the scene of the party over and over again, thinking of ever more charming things I could have said and done. The truth is, no one at that party could’ve come close to the amount of time I spent thinking of me. And, anyway, the guy next to me who didn’t laugh at my joke was probably too busy worrying about the gal next to him who didn’t agree with his take on global warming.
Reality Check:
Most people are too busy worrying about themselves to think twice about what you said or did.
4. You believe your life depends on getting people to approve of you.
At one point my life did depend on getting approval – namely the approval of my mom who fed me. But, as an adult, I would often find myself overwhelmed with anxiety when I couldn’t garner favor from people I deemed influential – the popular kid at school, my professor, the superstar of my professional field, my hair stylist (one wrong word can make or break a good haircut afterall).
Reality Check:
There’s a primitive part of the brain that wants you to believe you have to live in a constant state of high alert in order to be safe. It’s an evolutionary thing that serves very little purpose in a world where saber toothed tigers no longer exist.
5. You believe that when someone disapproves of you, it means something’s wrong with you.
One day in high school, I caught a glimpse of two boys walking behind me through a reflection of glass. One pointed at me and pushed up his nose. I was devastated. In my mind it meant there was something wrong with me. From that day forward, I went out of my way to be extra nice to everyone, as not to be labeled a snob. Better to be exhausted than publicly ridiculed, I believed.
Reality Check:
I am a snob sometimes! I turn my nose up at beer in a can, I don’t like to camp, I love expensive handbags and I don’t like bathroom humor. It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with me.
6. You make disapproval all about you (in other words, you still think you’re the center of the universe).
Okay maybe this is the same point as the last one…
Reality Check:
So what if that guy thought I was a snob? Here’s what I would say to my adolescent self: Calling you a snob says more about him than it does you. Maybe he just got dumped by a girl who looks like you, maybe she called him a snob, or maybe he had to scratch his nose. Get over it.
7. You’re nice but not kind.
I saw other people as a means to an end. I went out of my way to be nice so I could feel better about myself. This made it hard to connect with people from a genuine place of compassion. I believed they had power over me. And I always wanted something from them. The way I treated other people mirrored the way I treated myself. Self-compassion was never part of the picture. Self-care, as a result, was superficial – typically some kind of behavioral band aid that made me feel better in that moment.
Reality Check:
“Nice” and “kind” are not the same. Nice is about being agreeable, charming, pleasing…. Kind has to do with benevolence, compassion and love. When you see other people as threatening or when you want something from them, you can’t connect to them in a way that allows for much compassion or understanding.
8. You buy into the idea that some people are better than you and you secretly believe you’re a fraud.
I used to try to fool the “smart” people into thinking I was smart. I thought this would make me feel worthy. It just left me feeling like a fake. I unconsciously gave away my confidence to the “smart” people, as if their opinions about me were worth more than my own opinions about myself.
Reality Check:
You seek approval from others because you don’t give yourself enough approval. Probably because you think there’s something wrong with you (a big lie). You give your power away to other people who you think are better than you ( another big lie). So when you do get some approval, you feel like a fraud because you never believed in yourself to begin with. See the cycle?
9. You hold yourself up to ridiculously impossible standards.
One of my self-imposed ridiculously impossible standards used to be: “You must always be liked by everyone.”
Reality Check:
Notice the words “always” and “everyone” in the statement above? They’re absolute terms that make it impossible to ever live up to whatever standard you impose upon yourself. And in the case of my old ridiculously impossible self-imposed standard I now say this: Some people will like me. Some people won’t. Some people will never give a shit.
10. You’re in complete and utter denial.
I didn’t know I was addicted to approval. It probably took over 100 self-help books to connect the dots. I hope I saved you some time.
Reality Check:
Nothing revolutionary, ground breaking, earth-shattering, or paradigm-shifting ever came out of wanting to fit in or be liked. Admit you have a problem. The world needs you.
P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!
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{ 2 Comments }The Rules
In our culture, we have unspoken “rules” when it comes to emotions…
- It’s okay to cry in public as long as you’re at a funeral (but not too loudly).
- It’s fine to be sad as long as you’ve suffered some obvious and appropriate loss (but get it together already will you?!)
- Crying at weddings is okay too (again, not too loudly and make sure you wear waterproof mascara or you’re really screwed.)
- You can cry if you’re a baby but once you hit four it’s not okay (lest they call you a baby).
- Oh and you can cry at movies (but, again, not too loudly and only at the sad parts).
- Always, always hide it when you feel angry (unless of course there has been a salient act of injustice done to you or someone else but keep your anger under control. If you express it too strongly, they’ll think you’re “too angry”).
- If you envy someone else, just keep quiet about it and then find passive aggressive ways to sabotage them.
- Fear is not something to brag about (remember, never let them see you sweat).
- It’s okay to hate your boss but definitely love your neighbor.
- Don’t worry. Be happy. (But don’t laugh out loud in public while alone. Laughing out loud is only to be done in the company of friends or people will think you are homeless.)
- And remember, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Do you ever break the rules?
What do you make it mean about yourself when you feel angry, jealous, sad, irritated, or ashamed? Do you look to the power of positive thinking to wipe out a “bad” emotion? Do you even allow yourself to feel it? Or do you stuff it back down with food and wine? Do you create drama, maybe get into other people’s business, as a convenient way to forget there was even a hint of it?
What if you were just a person experiencing an emotion? Instead of resisting that emotion because of your cultural programming you got really curious about it?
Sadness after all can tell you where you are clinging too tightly. Anger can tell you when you need to stand up for yourself. Fear can keep you safe. Shame can teach you how to respect yourself.
But only if you listen.
(For more on this topic, check out The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren)
P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!
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{ 1 Comment }How to Handle Criticism
Last week I took my kids to a preschool event at Oaks Park where for $6 they got to ride the frog hopper and drive the kiddie cars to their hearts content. At the end of the event there was a massive story hour (picture 300 preschool kids, a swarm of guardians, one dairy princess and a giant squirrel mascot).
While the dairy princess was reading a story to the sea of preschoolers I noticed a little girl crying. She was obviously lost. I grabbed her hand and took her to the stage so the dairy princess could make an announcement. When I returned I noticed my 3 1/2 year old son was gone. I said to myself out loud, “Now where did Anthony go?” One mom turned to me and said “Well you just took off! He was following you but you didn’t even see him.” (Eventually I found him next to the squirrel.)
I was so mad at that mom for publicly criticizing me! On the way home, I stewed, trying to think of the perfect thing I could have said to her in retaliation. Then I remembered a trick I learned from Martha Beck.
It’s called You Make a Solid Point.
What do you do when someone criticizes you? Does it make you mad? Do you get defensive? Do you try to explain yourself? Do you send snide emails? Do you stew for days like me trying to think of the perfect comeback?
I think the reason criticism bothers us so much is because deep down we believe it’s not okay to screw up. We don’t want to face our own fallibility.
When that mom pointed out I “just took off,” leaving my own son to help that little girl, on the surface I was angry at her but underneath I felt ashamed.
If it were a friend who had done the same thing, I would have comforted her, saying something like: “Don’t worry about it! You’re so hard on yourself, jeesh. You found him right away and you were the only one who bothered to help that little girl. You should be proud of yourself.”
Which is so interesting. How can I be so kind when it comes to someone else but so unforgiving when it comes to me? Everyone makes mistakes so why shouldn’t I be willing to acknowledge and forgive my own?
Try it. Think of something someone has said to you that has you feeling defensive. Acknowledge the part that’s true and forgive yourself. Maybe even laugh about it! When you’re not busy trying to disown the criticism you might actually learn something. One thing you will find is that it feels a lot better when you can forgive your mistakes. An added bonus is that it defuses an argument fast (I call it verbal jujitsu).
When it comes to that mom at Oaks Park, I realized I did just take off. So what? I found him right away and I helped a little girl. And the next time I jump to help a lost child I’ll make sure I don’t lose my own in the process!
Ahh it feels so much better to just give myself a break.
In fact, the next day I was driving past a neighbor and, honest to god, I thought she gave me a dirty look. I just laughed and said to myself “You make a solid point.”
P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!
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{ 3 Comments }An Open Letter to An Approval Addict
You don’t know what you want.
You won’t know until you face the fact you have a problem.
Emotional eaters struggle with extra weight. Alcoholics deal with blackouts and hangovers. Smokers smell bad and cough. Gamblers lose money.
But, you… You’re just stuck.
You decided to be a lawyer because dad wanted you to be a lawyer. You watch your kids play every day but you do very little of it yourself. You dread going to parties because of the sheer energy it takes to maintain a persona that is nothing like Who You Really Are.
It takes one to know one.
A long time ago I decided I needed to seem smart. So I learned to speak Japanese. I figured out how to write computer programming languages. I got a masters degree. I became a policy analyst.
The time and energy it took to accomplish these things served as a decoy from reality – what I really knew about myself on a deeper level. I had no interest in computer programming or politics or East Asian languages. I loved to dance and create art and read self help books. I couldn’t remember a number to save my life.
I was not smart in the way I thought I needed to be. So I rejected the real me and just worked harder at being more impressive in the eyes of others.
Face it. You just want to assist, amaze, inspire, impress, persuade, and influence. All in an effort to avoid knowing what it is you really know. And all at the expense of your dreams.
Take away all that time and energy, you face a big giant scary void. There will be time to think about what to do with the day when you’re not helping, complimenting, impressing, overanalyzing, comparing, measuring, projecting or self flagellating.
The time and energy you expend approval seeking distracts you from this truth. You may be stuck but at least you’re comfortable. Your approval addiction is convenient and familiar. But please know it’s a decoy.
Because as long as you keep doing what you’re doing, you don’t have to admit you have dreams. You don’t have to feel the pain, the yearning. You don’t have to move towards what you really want.
You can continue to hide behind the fact that you don’t really know what you want.
But make no mistake, the only one you need to assist, amaze, inspire, impress, persuade and influence is you.
And to do that, you need to know what you want.
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{ 3 Comments }On Being Hot…
Ladies I’m talking about the social standard of “hotness.” If you live in the western world, you know it well. The airbrushed photos, the too thin frames, the big boobs, the perfectly proportioned eyes, lips and nose.
I used to buy into it hook, line and sinker. I used to run fast in order to match this ideal. I used to think everything would be well in my world if I could Just. Look. Hot. Enough.
But there is never an “enough” is there when it comes to this game? There is always more weight to lose. There are always more cosmetics to buy. There are always more diets to try. And more clothes to buy. Teeth must be whiter. Boobs perkier. Stomach flatter. The diet industry knows this. The fashion industry understands this. The plastic surgeons are well aware.
I could have just bucked the system. Gone the opposite extreme. Poked large holes in my earlobes, dyed my hair purple, said what the hell and gained 25 pounds. But this reaction even though it is against a dangerous and demeaning cultural standard – one that distracts women from their own true power – is still fueled by the social self.
Taking on the opposite qualities of the cultural standard isn’t any more enlightened then chasing after hot. Either way you disconnect from Who You Really Are. The point is not to say that purple hair is bad or cosmetic surgery is bad. The point is to say that if you’re getting your boobs done because you think your world would be better or you are piercing your nipple as a reaction to an unjust cultural standard you are still letting your social self drive the car.
Once I stopped giving all my power away to a ridiculous cultural standard, I learned how to appropriate the word for myself. I now am an endlessly fascinating amalgam of unique qualities that make me 100 percent hot on my own terms.
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I have had a life long love of “gold stars.” The gold star was the most sought after in elementary school. I wanted to win every spelling bee and ace every times table. My love for gold stars morphed into a passion for any kind of recognition. I chased after the elusive presidential fitness award, secretly longed to be named girl of the month, held the hope of one day becoming homecoming queen, studied diligently for a chance to be Magma Cum Laud, and honed my presentation skills in order to win a presidential management scholarship….
Gold stars, in my opinion, are best if offered in writing or on a plaque but compliments do nicely. On the job, I wasn’t interested in my paycheck, I was much more motivated by recognition or compliments.
Becoming a mom was a turning point for me. No matter how hard I worked at it, there were always differing opinions on how to do it right. My babies didn’t compliment me after a flawless diaper change. I had a book case full of parenting books that all seemed to give different, often contradictory advice. As a person highly skilled at getting the gold star, the early days of being a mom were rough. There were no good grades, no recognition for top achievement, not even the possibility of an honorary mention.
But motherhood made me realize that all my life I had been busy chasing gold stars but it never got me any closer to happiness. Every time I was recognized for something, it felt good at first, but inevitably left me feeling empty and unsatisfied.
Is this you?
In my work with approval addicts, I’ve come across various approval seeking personalities. I’ve categorized seven so far. I’ll be taking a closer look at each one over the next several weeks of blog posts.
Performers are the gold star chasers.
They are often really good at getting approval. So good, in fact, they tend to think (not always) they have a lot of confidence. The problem? Their confidence always hinges on getting gold stars. They get so wrapped up in chasing gold stars they completely lose themselves in the process. Take away the gold stars and you take away their confidence. This is what happened to me after becoming a mom. Without gold stars to chase, I had to find myself. In the end it was an absolute gift.
If any of this resonates, here are 5 signs you might be addicted to approval:
- You confuse getting gold stars with being happy. Chances are you are so good at getting gold stars that you don’t even realize this. But ask yourself, how does it feel after receiving praise, an award, or recognition? If it feels short lived and unsatisfying, you might be outsourcing your confidence.
- You spend a lot of time chasing gold stars. I know, this seems obvious but you may not even be conscious of just how much time you spend doing it. Ask yourself this, what would your life be like if you didn’t care about outside recognition? If you find yourself facing a gigantic void that was once filled with gold star chasing, you know you have a problem.
- You devote a lot of energy focusing on “the next fix.” Okay so you probably don’t do this consciously but if you are a performer you probably have several gold stars on your to do list. Maybe you hope your boss will mention your stellar filing skills at the next staff meeting, or perhaps you hope to triple the sales quota at your company this month or, a bit more sinister, you secretly plan to drop two dresses sizes before the next mommy and me get together. If you are doing any of this for public recognition you are probably a performer.
- The more people the better. There are some who would rather have their teeth pulled than to be singled out even when it is to be recognized for a job well done. Not performers. The more people there are to witness your achievement, the better. I used to love watching awards ceremonies like The Academy Awards because I secretly fantasized about receiving that level of recognition for something.
- More, more, more! Performers don’t stop at one gold star. If you are a performer, chances are you are constantly looking for more recognition. Oh and the more prestigious the gold star, the better. A performer likes a pat on the back, don’t get me wrong, but it had better be by The President of the United States.
The bottom line? Being good at getting gold stars is not a bad thing. It doesn’t make you vain, or self centered or inferior. Ironically you may think you have a lot of confidence but what you must realize, as a performer, is that you have very little trust in yourself.
The key is faith. Faith that who you really are is enough.
The key is to channel all that time and energy chasing gold stars into yourself. Figure out your passion and put your incredible talent to work for you. Trust me, there will be many gold stars in your future. The difference? You won’t be chasing gold stars. They will come and you won’t expect it. And when you receive recognition, it will just be icing on the cake.
P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!
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{ 1 Comment }Why Approval Seeking Makes You Stupid
“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”– Albert Einstein.
Approval Seeking.
The truth is everyone does it. The desire to belong is primal. Brene Brown says so, and I believe her.
It’s an evolutionary thing. In the days when we lived in caves, staying on good standing with the group meant food, fire and protection. As kids we learned pretty quickly we got what we wanted a lot faster when mom and dad were happy.
This is why, even today as adults living in the modern industrialized world, we still see disapproval as a threat. The brain triggers the body to go into a state of fight or flight. A snide comment by your boss; an under the breath chuckle by your sister-in-law, discovering you haven’t been invited to your friend’s wedding… the mere thought of disapproval can spark a physiological response that changes the body’s biochemistry.
This hyper alert state that prepares you to fight or flee is quite helpful in times of famine, drought, war, or physical attack, but can set us latte drinking modern day softies into a perpetual hyper alert state called “narrow focus.” When in “narrow focus” we’re constantly scanning the environment for “threats,” always apprehensive, always fearing attack.
When we live our lives in perpetual emergency mode, when we’re overly focused on fighting or fleeing external “threats,” we’re much more likely to overreact, get angry, become rigid, dogmatic or worse, violent. Let’s just say, we’re no fun to be around (kind of ironic, approval addicts, is it not?).
And when in narrow focus we get stuck. We focus on the problem – as if hyper focus on the problem will help us arrive at a solution. It rarely does.
When we’re in narrow focus, no one in our lives gets the benefit of our full attention. We snap at our kids, we overreact to what our partner says, we avoid leaving the house in favor of sitting in front of the tv, we don’t bother checking in with mom.
What we want, most of the time, is to live in “open-focus.” In the words of Les Fehmi and Jim Robbins authors of The Open-Focus Brain,
“When we pay attention in a flexible way we are more accepting, comfortable, energetic, aware, healthy, productive, and in the flow. Full attention leads to creativity, spontaneity, acceptance, faith, empathy, integration, productivity, flexibility, efficiency, stress reduction, endurance, persistence, accuracy, perspective and compassion.
And this, my friends, is why your approval addiction is making you (no offense) stupid.
Do something about it.
The world will thank you for it.
P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!
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