“When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”
― Edward Teller

It’s Christmas at the Pearson-Albano household.

We have beautiful cards from family and friends wishing us peace, love, joy and happiness.

And I’m all for peace, love, joy and happiness. But something I don’t hear much about during the holidays is Faith.

Now I am not a religious woman in the traditional sense, but I did grow up with a family full of Baptists. So I know the word Faith is thrown around quite a bit in certain circles.

And I figured since the pious speak of it, Faith has to be important.

But I never really got it.

Until I started doing “faith.”

See there are some things that we try to understand on an intellectual level, but that we can never truly understand until we “get” them on an energetic level. Until the knowing vibrates down to the bone. And I think faith is one of them.

Brene Brown says this about courage:

“You get it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.”

And I think this is also true about faith. You learn faith by practicing faith.

You have to risk. You have to screw up. You have to look silly. You have to expose yourself. You have to be vulnerable. You have to be willing to love for the sake of love. You have to trust. All in order to know faith.

The paradox of faith is that it pushes you into uncertainty and discomfort, but without it there is no peace. No love. No joy. No happiness.

So this holiday and forever, above all else, I wish you faith.

“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” – Quote from Almost Famous

You’re probably acquainted with your inner critic or your inner child or even your inner lizard… but today I’d like to introduce you to someone else I think you ought to know.

Your inner dork.

Now some of you my scoff. You might be tempted to say, “Amy, I’m so cool I wouldn’t even use a word like ‘dork’ in the first place.” Okay okay okay. You can call her your inner nerd if you want. Or your inner loser if that works.

But she’s in there. I’ll tell you how to find her. She’s the one you hide. In fact, she embarrasses the hell out of you. You work really hard to make sure nobody knows about her.

You are ashamed of her.

If anybody finds out about her, you’re convinced they’ll learn the “truth” about you. That you’re hopelessly incompetent. Never to be trusted. Doomed to a life of ostracism and social rejection.

So you work really hard to be the opposite of your inner dork.

Let me give you a real life example…

Meet my inner dork:

She’s not very articulate, in fact, she stutters and often has trouble remembering the correct word. She enjoys watching reality TV (Survivor, Sister Wives or John and Kate Plus 8 are some of her favs). She’s not into personal hygiene – she doesn’t shave her legs or armpits, forgets to wear deodorant and often neglects to floss. She listens to Barbara Streisand and Duncan Sheik. She loves to shake it hard in Zumba class (and has almost mastered the shoulder shimmy). She doesn’t care about foreign policy, current events or the price of gasoline. She picks food off of other people’s plates (and sometimes off the floor). She drinks a little too much wine. She calls to her children very loudly to “get back here!” while not budging from the Santa line. She falls for the free ipad scam. She can never seem to remember how to spell the word “exercise” or “practice” (thank God for spell check). And she can be pretty whiny and hypocritical.

I used to go to a lot of trouble hiding my inner dork.

And in my life I became the opposite. All of this took a lot of work. I graduated at the top of my class as a masters student and even became a policy research analyst. Not only did I read about current events, at one point I think I was receiving The Oregonion, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. And as for the rest of it, let’s just say I was exceptionally well groomed and well behaved.

Yes, I used to hide my inner dork, and if anyone ever accused me of being anything like her, I would fly of the handle. But I wasn’t able to see how beautiful she really is. She’s funny, interesting, creative, spontaneous, unique. And life is an adventure being her. It’s true, I’m still whiny and a touch of a hypocrite at times and people often don’t take kindly to loud mouthed moms in the Santa line but I’m working it out.

I take pride in my inner dork!

Here are two reasons why you should too:

1. There’s nothing wrong with you.

So you have flaws? Maybe you’re even whiny or hypocritical or mean-spirited on occasion. Think about the people in your life who you love. Chances are you forgive them their flaws. When you become willing to see these “flaws,” you might even cut yourself some slack. Instead of resisting or denying your imperfections, try accepting them.

2. There’s something beautiful about you.

Probably quite a few beautiful things about you. Beautiful things that up until now, you weren’t able to see because you were so busy hiding your inner dork.

Yesterday I found scribbles all over a notebook I use for work. I noticed my 3 year old daughter sitting at my desk earlier in the day. I showed her the notebook and asked, “did you do that?” Here’s how the conversation went…

Alice: Well…. Um. No…
Me: You didn’t? Who did it then?
Alice: Um… Uncle Rick.
Me: Uncle Rick did that?
Alice: Yes it was uncle Rick.
Me: (Admiring the scribbles). I like how he kept the scribbles on the same line like that…
Alice: (Eyes lighting up.)
Me: Who did that?
Alice: I did, smiling proudly.

As a parent, I want to teach my kids the value of honesty. I’m not alone. Quoting research from Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children, “for two decades, parents have rated ‘honesty’ as the trait they most want in their children.”

Which is ironic since we parents teach our kids to lie.

Children lie to avoid punishment. Alice didn’t want to get in trouble for scribbling in mom’s notebook. My little people-pleaser decided it would be okay to tell me the truth once she “got” that I wouldn’t be mad, that, in fact, I might be pleased.

How often, like Alice, do you lie to avoid conflict?

Maybe you say yes to something you would really rather not do?
Maybe you keep your opinions to yourself if they don’t match the party line?
Maybe you create an entire persona so that other people will like, admire or respect you?
Or maybe you just tell a little white lie because you think it’s what that person wants to hear?

The research is clear, children lie to avoid punishment. But adults do it too. The difference is that we adults should know better.

Developmentally small children are too young to understand that lying also disconnects. It prevents intimacy, creates distance, prevents trust…

As adults we’re supposed to “get” this. But we still lie to avoid the punishment of social conflict, to avoid feeling judged or criticized or vulnerable in any way.

We do this at the cost of true intimacy. And we teach our kids a dangerous trade off. We teach them to sacrifice their own authenticity for the false sense of safety that comes from avoiding conflict.

Children tell the truth when they learn the value of honesty. Parents teach the value of honesty by telling the truth.

Saying no when you mean it. Speaking up when it’s important to you. Being yourself, no apologies. Letting other people be responsible for their own feelings.

And if you get a negative response? You teach your kid that the sun still rises.

Psst: If this all seems easier said than done,  check out my latest telecourse. Starts November 30th!

In my work with approval addicts I’ve noticed several approval seeking personality types. I created the 7 approval seeking personality types below as a tool to help my clients become more aware of what they do. These aren’t meant to be mutually exclusive categories. You might find you identify with several. Take a look at the personality types below and post your “approval seeking personality type” to the comments section. I’ll start!

1. The Hero Worshiper  Master Certified Martha Beck life coach Bridgette Boudreau describes this as Pedestal Syndrome or the act of ” glomming onto someone you admire and dysfunctionally hero-worshiping them.”

Some signs you might be a Hero Worshiper:

You’re, well, clingy. You obsess over your hero, doing whatever it takes to win her favor. You over analyze everything you do or say around her. You take everything she says or does personally even though she probably isn’t devoting a fraction of the mental energy on you as you’d like her to.  Your “hero” can be one person or a group of people.

2. The Perfectionist. People are often surprised when I refer to perfectionists as approval addicts.  I think this quote by Brene’ Brown explains why perfectionists tend to be addicted to approval:

“We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. ”

Some signs you might be a Perfectionist:

You secretly fear failure because of what you makes it mean about yourself – “I’m not good enough, other people will judge me” – so you hold back, play small. You believe there is a right way to do things and you make this so big in your mind that it provides you with an excuse to take no action at all. This gives you a false sense of security because you don’t have to risk being vulnerable to disapproval.

3. The Performer  You are a gold star chaser and an entertainer. Performing is how you think you get the love and security you want.

Some signs you might be a Perfomer:

You are constantly trying to manipulate the opinions of other people in your favor by achieving the highest awards, constantly winning or by being the most entertaining in the room. You tend to be tired, overworked and overscheduled yet you are totally lost because you have no clear sense of  what you find interesting or fun. You get frustrated, angry or anxious when you can’t seem to impress enough.

4. The Helper You believe that if you can just make yourself valuable enough to others by helping you will get the love and security you seek.

Some signs you might be a Helper:

Like the Performer you are often tired, overworked and overscheduled but in your case it is because you are always helping, helping helping. You are overworked from having no boundaries. You often feel resentful or frustrated when your good deeds are not reciprocated or you don’t get the gratitude or recognition you think you deserve.

5. The Chameleon You are a shape shifter. You change depending on who you are around.

Some signs you might be a Chameleon:

You have no clear sense of your own identify because you’re always morphing into someone else. You are fast to adapt based on what you perceive to be the needs, opinions or expectations of other people. Because of this, you often find social functions exhausting.

6. The Hater  Frustrated by years of what you perceive as not getting approval, you turn on others by disapproving of them first.

Some signs you might be a Hater:

You tend to be quick to criticize or judge other people. Unlike the chameleon or the performer, you would be more likely reject what you think to be the opinions or expectations of other people through your words, actions or appearance. But like most other approval addicts, you are so externally focused that you have no clear sense of your own identity.

7. The Scaredy Cat You fear disapproval because you think it will threaten your security or self worth.

Some signs you might be a Scaredy Cat:

Like the perfectionist, you play small and avoid taking risks because the thought of judgement, failure or disapproval terrifies you. You feel anxious most of the time (often though you can’t put your finger on why). You’re out of touch with reality because you are driven by fear and worst case scenario thinking. You hate the thought of being ” too open” or “too vulnerable.” You might even try to make yourself invisible.

P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse. Just in time for the holidays!

I went to drop the twins off at preschool the other day. Anthony had been throwing up the night before but he seemed fine in the morning so I decided to take him. I mentioned this to Lisa, one of the preschool teachers, and she seemed uncomfortable. She told me there was a new policy – the children have to be well 24 hours before returning to school. “But let me check with Rachel…” she said hesitantly.

Rachel, Anthony’s other teacher, was standing nearby. She turned to me and, without blinking, said with firm resolve “yes, that’s the policy.”

While I pried Anthony away from the train table, Lisa’s tone was apologetic as she went to double check with the director.

I was annoyed. “Great, they’re just going to spring this on me?!” I thought.

On the way home, I stewed (I stew a lot while driving). It didn’t take long for me to realize how silly it was to be annoyed. Of course there is a 24 hour policy! Preschool kids spread illness faster than Martha Beck can extend a metaphor. Of course Anthony should stay home! The poor kid barely got any sleep the night before.

So why was I annoyed?

In Sacred Choices, Christel Nani writes about what she calls apology energy. It’s basically the act of “energetically apologizing” for something we feel guilty about.

I colleague of mine, for example, mentioned feeling uncomfortable about telling a former client her new, considerably higher rates. She didn’t like having to tell this client that her new rates might not be within her budget and I suspect felt guilty about excluding her.

When we feel guilty, it’s often a clue that something we want is in conflict with a belief system we got from our Everybody. This keeps us conflicted about the thing we want so we often feel guilty for wanting it. And according to Nani, “apology on the inside invites criticism and judgment on the outside.” Your energetic broadcast, she says, teaches people how to treat you.

Perhaps my colleague had a belief that “Good people charge prices for their services that everyone can afford.”

Back to the original story. I was annoyed because Lisa was broadcasting apology energy. Rachel on the other hand was 100 percent behind her pronouncement: no kids are to be dropped off at school when they were sick the night before. Period. While stewing on the way home, I had to appreciate her…

This wasn’t the first time I’d been on the receiving end of Rachel’s assertive pronouncements (like when she told me not to send Alice to school in too-tight leggings because they’re too hard for the child to put on and off by herself). And although it inconveniences me from time to time, I appreciate her strength and resolve.

Both Lisa and Rachel are wonderful teachers. There is no question. While on the surface Lisa seems better with the adults, I have a hunch she’s addicted to approval. And approval addicts tend to apologize a lot on the inside. Many of us unconsciously carry beliefs like “I have to make other people happy all the time,” or “If someone is upset by what I say, there might be something wrong with me.”

So… where are you energetically apologizing? The trick is to uncover the belief that has you feeling guilty then change it.

You may not be saying it out loud but your energy speaks volumes.

And remember, you teach people how to treat you. Whether its conscious or not.

P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!

Forgiveness  a Path to Self-love?

Since self-love is often a huge challenge for many of my clients, I found Jacobson’s take on forgiveness intriguing. We all know that it feels better to forgive but according to Jacobson, forgiveness can also help us to love ourselves.

Consider the defense mechanism of projection. According to Jacobson, forgiveness can operate like projection in reverse. When we project, we unconsciously sweep the parts of ourselves we reject under the rug by rejecting people who demonstrate the things we don’t like about ourselves. In Forgive to Win, Jacobson offers “The Forgiveness Diet” as a way to accept and ultimately love ourselves by offering others the same kind of unconditional love we wish to give to ourselves through forgiveness.

Why it’s Hard

Jacobson points out why we’re often reluctant to forgive. We believe, by forgiving, we are also saying…

1. we’re okay with what they did,
2. we don’t expect them to be accountable for their behavior,
3. we’re weak, or
4. we’re inviting them to continue to mistreat or abuse us.

Reframing Forgiveness

So, first, reframe forgiveness. Karla McLaren, author of the Language of Emotions puts it this way:

“Real forgiveness does not make excuses for other people’s improper behavior. Real forgiveness does not tell itself that everyone always does the best they know how, because that’s preposterous. Do you always do your best? Do I? Of course not! We all make mistakes, and we all do things we’re not proud of. Real forgiveness knows this; it doesn’t set itself up as an advocate for the tormentors in your life.”

Real forgiveness, according to McLaren, says” I see that you were doing what worked for you at the time, but it never, ever worked for me!”

What About Anger?

In Forgive to Win, Jacobson writes “When we find it difficult to forgive others because our anger is so all-consuming and we feel incapable of releasing it, it will help us to remind ourselves that anger is our enemy.” Here is where I respectfully disagree with Jacobson.

Any time we make our emotional response an enemy, we lose. Forgiveness after all is not the opposite of anger. I have learned first-hand thanks to  the wonderful work of Karla McLaren that anger, like all emotions, carries with it important information. It can tell us when we need to protect our boundaries and helps us to restore our sense of strength. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is not an emotion; it’s an act. If done authentically it can bring about the feeling state of peace. The key to forgiveness, in my opinion, is to remember to first honor your anger. Don’t push it away and try to forgive. Honor your anger then try to find peace through forgiveness.

Humanize Rather Than Demonize

Jacobson suggests finding ways to “humanize rather than demonize” when it comes to forgiveness. He draws on the wisdom of A Course in Miracles when he points out that we can choose to perceive the things other people do as malicious and mean-spirited or we can choose to perceive them as a misguided call for love.

The Bottom Line?

Forgive for you. Forgive while also honoring your emotions. Forgive because it feels so much better and, according to Jacobson, it might just make you feel better about yourself too.

For more about Forgive to Win, click here.

P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!

1. You think you can read minds.

I believe telepathy exists. One time my husband touched my back and the word “courage” popped into my head. I asked him what he was thinking at the time and he said, “be brave.” But that’s about it for me when it comes to psychic experience.

Yet back in the hey day of my approval addiction, everything I did – from what I chose to wear to the degree I got, boiled down to the unspoken premise that I knew what people would think about my choices.

Reality Check:

Most people cannot read other people’s thoughts. Try to keep this in mind the next time you think you know what “everyone” will think.

2. You think you have the power to control people’s thoughts.

I find the idea of thought control fascinating… I used to collect World War II Propaganda and read books like 1984 and You Are Being Lied To. Maybe all that paranoid focus on the dark side of persuasion helped me stay in the dark about the sheer amount of time and energy I put into manipulating the opinions of other people in my favor.

Reality Check:

You can do your best to “make a good impression” but in the end you have no control over what people think about you.

3. You think you’re the center of the universe yet mange to have very little confidence.

The second-guessing would usually start on the way home. I’d replay the scene of the party over and over again, thinking of ever more charming things I could have said and done. The truth is, no one at that party could’ve come close to the amount of time I spent thinking of me. And, anyway, the guy next to me who didn’t laugh at my joke was probably too busy worrying about the gal next to him who didn’t agree with his take on global warming.

Reality Check:

Most people are too busy worrying about themselves to think twice about what you said or did.

4. You believe your life depends on getting people to approve of you.

At one point my life did depend on getting approval – namely the approval of my mom who fed me. But, as an adult, I would often find myself overwhelmed with anxiety when I couldn’t garner favor from people I deemed influential – the popular kid at school, my professor, the superstar of my professional field, my hair stylist (one wrong word can make or break a good haircut afterall).

Reality Check:

There’s a primitive part of the brain that wants you to believe you have to live in a constant state of high alert in order to be safe. It’s an evolutionary thing that serves very little purpose in a world where saber toothed tigers no longer exist.

5. You believe that when someone disapproves of you, it means something’s wrong with you.

One day in high school, I caught a glimpse of two boys walking behind me through a reflection of glass. One pointed at me and pushed up his nose. I was devastated. In my mind it meant there was something wrong with me. From that day forward, I went out of my way to be extra nice to everyone, as not to be labeled a snob. Better to be exhausted than publicly ridiculed, I believed.

Reality Check:

I am a snob sometimes! I turn my nose up at beer in a can, I don’t like to camp, I love expensive handbags and I don’t like bathroom humor. It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with me.

6. You make disapproval all about you (in other words, you still think you’re the center of the universe).

Okay maybe this is the same point as the last one…

Reality Check:

So what if that guy thought I was a snob? Here’s what I would say to my adolescent self: Calling you a snob says more about him than it does you. Maybe he just got dumped by a girl who looks like you, maybe she called him a snob, or maybe he had to scratch his nose. Get over it.

7. You’re nice but not kind.

I saw other people as a means to an end. I went out of my way to be nice so I could feel better about myself. This made it hard to connect with people from a genuine place of compassion. I believed they had power over me. And I always wanted something from them. The way I treated other people mirrored the way I treated myself. Self-compassion was never part of the picture. Self-care, as a result, was superficial – typically some kind of behavioral band aid that made me feel better in that moment.

Reality Check:

“Nice” and “kind” are not the same. Nice is about being agreeable, charming, pleasing…. Kind has to do with benevolence, compassion and love. When you see other people as threatening or when you want something from them, you can’t connect to them in a way that allows for much compassion or understanding.

8. You buy into the idea that some people are better than you and you secretly believe you’re a fraud.

I used to try to fool the “smart” people into thinking I was smart. I thought this would make me feel worthy. It just left me feeling like a fake. I unconsciously gave away my confidence to the “smart” people, as if their opinions about me were worth more than my own opinions about myself.

Reality Check:

You seek approval from others because you don’t give yourself enough approval. Probably because you think there’s something wrong with you (a big lie). You give your power away to other people who you think are better than you ( another big lie). So when you do get some approval, you feel like a fraud because you never believed in yourself to begin with. See the cycle?

9. You hold yourself up to ridiculously impossible standards.

One of my self-imposed ridiculously impossible standards used to be: “You must always be liked by everyone.”

Reality Check:

Notice the words “always” and “everyone” in the statement above?  They’re absolute terms that make it impossible to ever live up to whatever standard you impose upon yourself. And in the case of my old ridiculously impossible self-imposed standard I now say this: Some people will like me. Some people won’t. Some people will never give a shit.

10. You’re in complete and utter denial.

I didn’t know I was addicted to approval. It probably took over 100 self-help books to connect the dots. I hope I saved you some time.

Reality Check:

Nothing revolutionary, ground breaking, earth-shattering, or paradigm-shifting ever came out of wanting to fit in or be liked. Admit you have a problem. The world needs you.

P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!

In our culture, we have unspoken “rules” when it comes to emotions…

• It’s okay to cry in public as long as you’re at a funeral (but not too loudly).
• It’s fine to be sad as long as you’ve suffered some obvious and appropriate loss (but get it together already will you?!)
• Crying at weddings is okay too (again, not too loudly and make sure you wear waterproof mascara or you’re really screwed.)
• You can cry if you’re a baby but once you hit four it’s not okay (lest they call you a baby).
• Oh and you can cry at movies (but, again, not too loudly and only at the sad parts).
• Always, always hide it when you feel angry (unless of course there has been a salient act of injustice done to you or someone else but keep your anger under control. If you express it too strongly, they’ll think you’re “too angry”).
• If you envy someone else, just keep quiet about it and then find passive aggressive ways to sabotage them.
• Fear is not something to brag about (remember, never let them see you sweat).
• It’s okay to hate your boss but definitely love your neighbor.
• Don’t worry. Be happy. (But don’t laugh out loud in public while alone. Laughing out loud is only to be done in the company of friends or people will think you are homeless.)
• And remember, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Do you ever break the rules?

What do you make it mean about yourself when you feel angry, jealous, sad, irritated, or ashamed? Do you look to the power of positive thinking to wipe out a “bad” emotion? Do you even allow yourself to feel it? Or do you stuff it back down with food and wine? Do you create drama, maybe get into other people’s business, as a convenient way to forget there was even a hint of it?

What if you were just a person experiencing an emotion? Instead of resisting that emotion because of your cultural programming you got really curious about it?

Sadness after all can tell you where you are clinging too tightly. Anger can tell you when you need to stand up for yourself. Fear can keep you safe. Shame can teach you how to respect yourself.

But only if you listen.

(For more on this topic, check out The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren)

P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!

Last week I took my kids to a preschool event at Oaks Park where for $6 they got to ride the frog hopper and drive the kiddie cars to their hearts content. At the end of the event there was a massive story hour (picture 300 preschool kids, a swarm of guardians, one dairy princess and a giant squirrel mascot).

While the dairy princess was reading a story to the sea of preschoolers I noticed a little girl crying. She was obviously lost. I grabbed her hand and took her to the stage so the dairy princess could make an announcement. When I returned I noticed my 3 1/2 year old son was gone. I said to myself out loud, “Now where did Anthony go?” One mom turned to me and said “Well you just took off! He was following you but you didn’t even see him.” (Eventually I found him next to the squirrel.)

I was so mad at that mom for publicly criticizing me! On the way home, I stewed, trying to think of the perfect thing I could have said to her in retaliation. Then I remembered a trick I learned from Martha Beck.

It’s called You Make a Solid Point.

What do you do when someone criticizes you? Does it make you mad? Do you get defensive? Do you try to explain yourself? Do you send snide emails? Do you stew for days like me trying to think of the perfect comeback?

I think the reason criticism bothers us so much is because deep down we believe it’s not okay to screw up. We don’t want to face our own fallibility.

When that mom pointed out I “just took off,” leaving my own son to help that little girl, on the surface I was angry at her but underneath I felt ashamed.

If it were a friend who had done the same thing, I would have comforted her, saying something like: “Don’t worry about it! You’re so hard on yourself, jeesh. You found him right away and you were the only one who bothered to help that little girl. You should be proud of yourself.”

Which is so interesting. How can I be so kind when it comes to someone else but so unforgiving when it comes to me? Everyone makes mistakes so why shouldn’t I be willing to acknowledge and forgive my own?

Try it. Think of something someone has said to you that has you feeling defensive. Acknowledge the part that’s true and forgive yourself. Maybe even laugh about it! When you’re not busy trying to disown the criticism you might actually learn something. One thing you will find is that it feels a lot better when you can forgive your mistakes. An added bonus is that it defuses an argument fast (I call it verbal jujitsu).

When it comes to that mom at Oaks Park, I realized I did just take off. So what? I found him right away and I helped a little girl. And the next time I jump to help a lost child I’ll make sure I don’t lose my own in the process!

Ahh it feels so much better to just give myself a break.

In fact, the next day I was driving past a neighbor and, honest to god, I thought she gave me a dirty look. I just laughed and said to myself “You make a solid point.”

P.S. Are you addicted to approval? Check out my latest telecourse!

You don’t know what you want.

You won’t know until you face the fact you have a problem.

Emotional eaters struggle with extra weight. Alcoholics deal with blackouts and hangovers. Smokers smell bad and cough. Gamblers lose money.

But, you… You’re just stuck.

You decided to be a lawyer because dad wanted you to be a lawyer. You watch your kids play every day but you do very little of it yourself. You dread going to parties because of the sheer energy it takes to maintain a persona that is nothing like Who You Really Are.

It takes one to know one.

A long time ago I decided I needed to seem smart. So I learned to speak Japanese. I figured out how to write computer programming languages. I got a masters degree. I became a policy analyst.

The time and energy it took to accomplish these things served as a decoy from reality – what I really knew about myself on a deeper level. I had no interest in computer programming or politics or East Asian languages. I loved to dance and create art and read self help books. I couldn’t remember a number to save my life.

I was not smart in the way I thought I needed to be. So I rejected the real me and just worked harder at being more impressive in the eyes of others.

Face it. You just want to assist, amaze, inspire, impress, persuade, and influence. All in an effort to avoid knowing what it is you really know. And all at the expense of your dreams.

Take away all that time and energy, you face a big giant scary void. There will be time to think about what to do with the day when you’re not helping, complimenting, impressing, overanalyzing, comparing, measuring, projecting or self flagellating.

The time and energy you expend approval seeking distracts you from this truth. You may be stuck but at least you’re comfortable. Your approval addiction is convenient and familiar. But please know it’s a decoy.

Because as long as you keep doing what you’re doing, you don’t have to admit you have dreams. You don’t have to feel the pain, the yearning. You don’t have to move towards what you really want.

You can continue to hide behind the fact that you don’t really know what you want.

But make no mistake, the only one you need to assist, amaze, inspire, impress, persuade and influence is you.

And to do that, you need to know what you want.