Lately the only way to get my son to sleep at night is to make sure he’s armed with a flashlight, a sword and his “monster spray.”

But adults have monsters too.

The concept of rejection is one of those adult kinds of monsters.

I have a client, for example, who is terrified of being rejected. She’s one of the smartest, funniest, most independent people I know but she curls up into a ball at the thought of rejection.

She has a tendency to fixate on every little nuance of every little social interaction. She makes sure to purchase something small when she goes into a store so that the shopkeeper won’t find her rude. She overanalyzes emails exchanges straining to interpret the tone of each reply. She finds chatting with friends exhausting given the mental energy she puts into saying just the right thing.

She does all this out of an irrational fear of rejection.

We know it’s irrational because the other day I helped her to stop fearing it long enough to put it under the microscope. And here’s what we learned….

Rejection is a misunderstanding.

Like The Backson it’s not at all as dangerous as we make it out to be in our minds.

Here’s the thing:

If they judge you, criticize you, talk about you behind your back, spread rumors or lies about you, ignore you, yell at you or laugh at you…

It’s not about you!

Here’s what’s really going on…

You threaten them. Maybe it’s your ideas, or the way you talk or the amount of money you make or your passion for life.

Whatever it is, you make them uncomfortable. You challenge them in some way.

But people don’t learn, or grow or evolve without being challenged.

Which is why you have to ruffle some feathers. You have to challenge the status quo. In short, you have to be dangerous to them.

Because no one can evolve without getting a little bit (or a lot) uncomfortable. It takes a shocking new idea or a ground-breaking work of art. Things have to be said that no one else is willing to say. Things have to be done that no one else is willing to do.

This is innovation.

So Here’s how to STOP fearing rejection and START making friends with it:

1) Remind yourself  “It’s not about you!”

Remember, you simply represent something that makes them uncomfortable inside themselves. You are holding a mirror up to them and that’s a good thing. Some people might not be ready to look in the mirror and some might, but that’s none of your business.

2) Expect the push back.

The German philosopher and businessman Arthur Schopenhauer puts it this way: “Every truth passes through three stages before it is recognized. First it is ridiculed, in the second it is opposed, in the third it is regarded as self-evident.” If you’re not ruffling feathers, I say you’re not doing enough.

3) Trust.

Quoting Gail Larsen author of Transformational Speaking, “You are an original. Nowhere else duplicated.” Trust that your voice matters… that you have a purpose.

4) Do Something!

Stop worrying about doing it “wrong.” You can’t course correct when you’re standing still. A bad decision or a wrong decision, as they say, is better then no decision at all because a decision means action and action leads to growth.

So….

Be dangerous! To the status quo! To conventional thinking! Channel some of that monster energy and use it to play big!

Stop hiding. Stop over analyzing. Stop second-guessing. Speak! Sing! Dance! Write! Laugh! Dare! Risk!

Yes, you will raise some eyebrows. Eyes will roll. And you might even incite a riot.

But that’s evolution baby.

Question: What’s one way you’d like to be more daring, when it comes to your own monsters? Be dangerous and post a comment below. I LOVE that!

I watched Winnie the Pooh with the kids the other day. There is a scene about The Backson. He is a terrible kind of monster….

His hide is like a shaggy rug
His face a surely ugly mug
With two sharp horns atop his head
In between a mop of hair that’s red
And in his nose a ring of gold
It smells of monkey’s feet and mold
Its toes are black
Its fur is blue

…capable of truly heinous deeds. According to Owl:

They sneak into your library and scribble in all your books!
When decorating your Christmas tree, they tangle up all the hooks!
They spoil the milk, they stop all the clocks, they use their horns to put hole in your sock

Each resident of the 100 Acres Woods has his or her own idea of what the Backson will do…
Tigger: Maybe they make ya sleep too late
Eeyore: I bet their the reason my tail is gone
Rabbit: They muddy up your tiny house
Piglet: They make you feel as small as a mouse
Roo: They break your crayons
Rabbit: They spill your tea!
Kanga: They wake up babies at one and three
Eeyore: They made me catch the cold I caught
Winnie the Pooh: They made me lose my train of thought
Tigger: They swipe your strips
Piglet: They clog your pipes
Rabbit: They dig up your garden
Eeyore: They won’t be your pardon
Winnie the Pooh: They eat your snacks
Piglet: They won’t relax!
Rabbit: They chip your tooth
Kanga: They steal your youth!

One day Pooh and his friends discover Christopher Robin missing. They find a note (but I don’t think any of them can actually read). After examining this note, they determine that Christopher Robin has been taken by the Backson!

But Christopher Robin soon returns. He can’t understand what all the commotion is about. Pooh reminds him of the note but Christopher just laughs and points out that it says “I will be BACK SOON!”

When I watched this, it reminded me of the concept of rejection that many of us have in our heads. We are terrified of it, are we not? We freeze in fear of it. We reject ourselves first (by playing small) just to avoid the mere possibility of it. We create all sorts of stories about what horrors will pass if we were to say…fail or be judged or criticized or laughed at.

But what if rejection were like the Backson? What if it were really just a misunderstanding? What if it really doesn’t even exist…

What if the only rejection to fear is the rejection we do to ourselves first in order to avoid being rejected?

How would your life be different if you didn’t fear rejection?

I believe that life is so much more fun when we are not afraid of being judged. Okay so maybe I look like a dork, but I am having a blast! What would YOU do if you weren’t afraid of being judged?? Post a comment below! I would LOVE that.

Do you know the children’s book series with those cute little characters called Mr. Happy, or Little Miss Giggles? A few years back Urban Outfitters was selling adult sized t-shirts of them.

I asked my husband which character he would pick for me. I was convinced he’d say Little Miss Sunshine, of course.

He replied without a moment of hesitation, “Little Miss Bossy.”

I was shocked. It really pissed me off that I was Little Miss Bossy. I really, really wanted to be Little Miss Sunshine.

Since receiving this inadvertent diagnosis from my husband several years ago, I’ve wrestled with this part of me. I’d compare myself to other women, the ones who speak in gentle voices and always seem to have it together. “I need to be more like that, if I am ever going to be a ray of light!” I’d tell myself.

Not long ago, I took a personality inventory called The Strengthsfinder. I’ve taken it 3 times actually.

Each time I score high in a theme called Command. It took me a while to bring myself to read the description. I didn’t need yet another confirmation after all… “I’m bossy! I know! I know!”

But when I actually read the results, I was stunned. “People who are especially talented in the Command theme have presence. They can take control of a situation and make decisions.” The results also say I have daring ideas, offer usual viewpoints, in short, I challenge people to think differently.

Here’s what one of my clients had to say about me:

“I’m not new to working on personal growth. I’ve long read inspired teacher’s books and heard their lectures; I’ve even made good progress. But Amy helps me take it to a new, deeper level. Doing an inquiry into the belief ‘I don’t count’, I was all ready to give evidence of things I’ve done that prove ‘I do count!’ Instead she suggested that maybe both thoughts were a problem for me, that maybe me believing my actions can either make me count or not count might itself be worth questioning… It sounds simple, but the thought was radical and personally transformative for me. Maybe I didn’t have to count or not count, I could just be. I know I wouldn’t have gotten there without her.”

Little Miss Sunshine might be a ray of light, but Little Miss Bossy can help people see things in a totally new light.

I’m glad I’m not beating myself up anymore for not being more like Little Miss Sunshine. I’m not ashamed of Little Miss Bossy. I embrace her. And because of it, I now help people make radical transformations in their own lives.

How might you be trying to emulate something you aren’t and, in the process, ignoring your true super powers? I call this your persona. And in my brand new coaching program – Coach Yo’Self, I help you unpack your persona so you can uncover your true super powers.

Click here to to sign up for free 15 minute Alignment Call to see if my new program is right for you.

I like to start the New Year by creating a vision board. It’s a collage of images usually pasted to some poster board. The idea is that by pasting images of what you want to a poster board, you are clarifying your desires and setting the stage for those things to come to you.

A lot of women have no idea what they want. In fact, a lot of women think it’s selfish to want anything. I agree with Brooke Castillo “… what we want is very important information. I believe it’s code for directions to our destiny.”

So my vision boards over the years have helped me clarify, without apology, the things I want. Cut-outs of ipads, images of happy families at Disneyland, bobbles from Tiffany’s, my vision boards have seen it all…

But this year, my vision board turned out very different.

Here’s the story.

I agreed to meet some friends for a day of vision board creation. That morning, I woke up sick. And I had hardly slept the night before. I stopped by to drop off some magazines and decided to stay.

I was so tired I could barely form a coherent sentence. I just sat there, ripping out pretty pictures, looking up and nodding whenever someone appeared to be speaking to me. I left, a few hours later, with a handful of odd images that, to my logical mind, made no sense at all.

A week later, I started reading Martha Beck’s latest book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. She writes about “wordlessness.” According to Martha, when we turn off the thinking part of the brain, we access a vastly more intelligent, nonverbal part. The verbal brain, for example, can process forty-bits of information per second, the nonverbal part can process eleven million bits of information per second.

She says that when we imagine from this wordless place, we find out “what wants to be born,” not what we think we want. I had accidentally chosen images for my vision board that came from the “wordless,” part of my brain. And, as a result, I believe I accidentally discovered what “wants to be born” in my life this year.

A few examples…

I don’t like to surf. I tried a few times on the Oregon coast and lets just say, I cannot pee in a wet suit. But, for some reason, I pasted a picture of a surfer on my vision board. A few weeks later, I signed up for a surf retreat in Kauai.

Next, there’s a beautiful image of a heart. I watched a film called I AM last year that got me interested in the human heart and it’s mysteries. In February I read The Heart’s Code, a book about the very literal power of the human heart as a transmitter of wisdom and energy. I’m now researching how I can incorporate this information into my coaching practice.

Then there’s the tree covered in snow. I’ve been wanting to take the family to the snow but the sheer amount of gear required to keep a family of five warm and dry has been… how shall I say it nicely, an obstacle.

I was selling some clothes the other when a woman next to me happened to be selling a ski jacket. It reminded me to ask the buyer if there was snow gear for sale at the store. The woman next to me overheard and offered to give me all her old ski clothing.

Just a few examples of vision board magic happening for me based on these accidental discoveries.

The New Year is long gone but you can still try to create a little vision board magic of your own to see what might want to be born in your life.

5 Steps to Vision Board Magic:
(You’ll need magazines, a poster board, scissors and a glue stick):

1. Grab a bunch of magazines. Don’t censor. Draw from anything that appeals to you.
2. Find a way to shut off the thinking mind while flipping through the magazines. You don’t have to be sleep deprived or sick but it may help! The key is to choose images that light you up, no matter what. If you notice your thinking mind trying to talk you out or in to choosing a certain image, drop back into your body and notice how you feel when you look at it. If it feels good when you look at it, tear it out.
3. Take the images and paste them onto your poster board in any way you please.
4. Look at the final product. Does it make you feel good when you look at it? Done. If not, feel free to keep working as long as you are still having fun.
5. Let go. Now, this may sound strange… but you have to forget about it. Drop any attachment to outcome. Don’t worry about seeing any results but be open to what comes.

So… give it a try! You may not get what you think you want, but you’ll uncover something a lot better — what wants to be born in your life.

And let me know what happens by posting a comment. I love that!

“Words… can cast an almost hypnotic spell upon you. You easily lose yourself in them, become hypnotized into implicitly believing that when you have attached a word to something, you know what it is. The fact is: You don’t know what it is. You have only covered up the mystery with a label.” – Eckhart Tolle

Underneath your story…

The words you use to describe reality…

The words you use to describe yourself,

You are such absolute beauty.

Peel away… “I’m wrong.”

And your smile, that laugh, the twinkle in your eyes.

Ahhhh, it warms my heart.

Peel away… “I’m right.”

And you are neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, thin nor fat.

You are beyond labels.

Indescribable.

Peel away… “There must be something wrong with me.”

And you are everything.

You sparkle and shine like the precious gem you are.

Peel away… “I’m incompetent.”

What is left is such exquisite beauty.

You are one of a kind.

A masterpiece with so much to share just by existing.

Peel all those words away and what is left is you.

The pure essence of you.

YOU.

Beautiful.

YOU.

I had the nanny over last Saturday to help out with the kids while I enjoyed a bit of “me” time.

First thing the next morning when I went into Anthony’s room, he sees me, rolls over and says, “where’s Maria? I want Maria!” Then I went into Alice’s room to say hi. It was more of the same … “Mooooooom, where’s Maria? I want to play with Maria today!” Thank god Joy isn’t talking yet.

Ouch!

I’m not exaggerating. It felt like someone stuck a knife in my heart.

Rejection hurts. You know it. You’ve had a “broken heart.” And if you’re like me, you get your feelings hurt on a regular basis.

But the pain is real.

The word mammal comes from the Latin word mamma which means breast. Across cultures the first word to come out of a baby’s mouth is typically some form of “mamma.” In Hindi it’s ma. In Korean it’s ama. In French it’s maman.

Babies know that mama’s are important (apparently four year olds do not but I digress). Mama’s keep them warm, fed and protected.

Pain is something that grabs our attention, interrupting whatever we’re doing in the moment and urging us to “Pay attention. You are in danger!”

And according to the latest neuropsychological research, social pain activates the same part of our brain that registers physical pain. A broken bone is painful, as is a broken heart. A stomachache is uncomfortable, as is a heartache.

The same region of the brain is triggered regardless of whether your four year old just bit you in the arm or slammed you with a biting remark.

The reason?

We mammals spend a long time as babies. We need help to survive past this vulnerable period. From an evolutionary perspective, we humans believe at a very primal level, and our brains reinforce it, that social exclusion can literally kill us.

Even today research shows that we live longer, happier and healthier lives when we are a part of a group of people who “get” us.

Sometimes it’s obvious we will be the next one voted off the island. Other times social exclusion may be all in our heads — Did my neighbor just give me a dirty look?! Why isn’t my friend calling me back…?

Real or perceived, social exclusion still hurts. And that explains why many of us go to great ends to avoid it.

In my case, I considered never asking that two timing nanny back again. I also considered purchasing a nanny cam to watch her kid whispering in action (and steal a few of her tricks).

But after a bit of self –coaching, I realized how irrational I was being. My kids love her after all. And that’s a good thing. And, I realized, I don’t have to change being me. Just because they say they want her over me,  doesn’t make it true.In the end, like it or not, I will always be their mother (muha ha ha).

Something tells me, as a mom, there will be lots more self-coaching to come. The very real pain of social rejection will always let me know when I need to get to work.

“When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”
― Edward Teller

It’s Christmas at the Pearson-Albano household.

We have beautiful cards from family and friends wishing us peace, love, joy and happiness.

And I’m all for peace, love, joy and happiness. But something I don’t hear much about during the holidays is Faith.

Now I am not a religious woman in the traditional sense, but I did grow up with a family full of Baptists. So I know the word Faith is thrown around quite a bit in certain circles.

And I figured since the pious speak of it, Faith has to be important.

But I never really got it.

Until I started doing “faith.”

See there are some things that we try to understand on an intellectual level, but that we can never truly understand until we “get” them on an energetic level. Until the knowing vibrates down to the bone. And I think faith is one of them.

Brene Brown says this about courage:

“You get it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.”

And I think this is also true about faith. You learn faith by practicing faith.

You have to risk. You have to screw up. You have to look silly. You have to expose yourself. You have to be vulnerable. You have to be willing to love for the sake of love. You have to trust. All in order to know faith.

The paradox of faith is that it pushes you into uncertainty and discomfort, but without it there is no peace. No love. No joy. No happiness.

So this holiday and forever, above all else, I wish you faith.

“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” – Quote from Almost Famous

You’re probably acquainted with your inner critic or your inner child or even your inner lizard… but today I’d like to introduce you to someone else I think you ought to know.

Your inner dork.

Now some of you my scoff. You might be tempted to say, “Amy, I’m so cool I wouldn’t even use a word like ‘dork’ in the first place.” Okay okay okay. You can call her your inner nerd if you want. Or your inner loser if that works.

But she’s in there. I’ll tell you how to find her. She’s the one you hide. In fact, she embarrasses the hell out of you. You work really hard to make sure nobody knows about her.

You are ashamed of her.

If anybody finds out about her, you’re convinced they’ll learn the “truth” about you. That you’re hopelessly incompetent. Never to be trusted. Doomed to a life of ostracism and social rejection.

So you work really hard to be the opposite of your inner dork.

Let me give you a real life example…

Meet my inner dork:

She’s not very articulate, in fact, she stutters and often has trouble remembering the correct word. She enjoys watching reality TV (Survivor, Sister Wives or John and Kate Plus 8 are some of her favs). She’s not into personal hygiene – she doesn’t shave her legs or armpits, forgets to wear deodorant and often neglects to floss. She listens to Barbara Streisand and Duncan Sheik. She loves to shake it hard in Zumba class (and has almost mastered the shoulder shimmy). She doesn’t care about foreign policy, current events or the price of gasoline. She picks food off of other people’s plates (and sometimes off the floor). She drinks a little too much wine. She calls to her children very loudly to “get back here!” while not budging from the Santa line. She falls for the free ipad scam. She can never seem to remember how to spell the word “exercise” or “practice” (thank God for spell check). And she can be pretty whiny and hypocritical.

I used to go to a lot of trouble hiding my inner dork.

And in my life I became the opposite. All of this took a lot of work. I graduated at the top of my class as a masters student and even became a policy research analyst. Not only did I read about current events, at one point I think I was receiving The Oregonion, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. And as for the rest of it, let’s just say I was exceptionally well groomed and well behaved.

Yes, I used to hide my inner dork, and if anyone ever accused me of being anything like her, I would fly of the handle. But I wasn’t able to see how beautiful she really is. She’s funny, interesting, creative, spontaneous, unique. And life is an adventure being her. It’s true, I’m still whiny and a touch of a hypocrite at times and people often don’t take kindly to loud mouthed moms in the Santa line but I’m working it out.

I take pride in my inner dork!

Here are two reasons why you should too:

1. There’s nothing wrong with you.

So you have flaws? Maybe you’re even whiny or hypocritical or mean-spirited on occasion. Think about the people in your life who you love. Chances are you forgive them their flaws. When you become willing to see these “flaws,” you might even cut yourself some slack. Instead of resisting or denying your imperfections, try accepting them.

2. There’s something beautiful about you.

Probably quite a few beautiful things about you. Beautiful things that up until now, you weren’t able to see because you were so busy hiding your inner dork.

Yesterday I found scribbles all over a notebook I use for work. I noticed my 3 year old daughter sitting at my desk earlier in the day. I showed her the notebook and asked, “did you do that?” Here’s how the conversation went…

Alice: Well…. Um. No…
Me: You didn’t? Who did it then?
Alice: Um… Uncle Rick.
Me: Uncle Rick did that?
Alice: Yes it was uncle Rick.
Me: (Admiring the scribbles). I like how he kept the scribbles on the same line like that…
Alice: (Eyes lighting up.)
Me: Who did that?
Alice: I did, smiling proudly.

As a parent, I want to teach my kids the value of honesty. I’m not alone. Quoting research from Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children, “for two decades, parents have rated ‘honesty’ as the trait they most want in their children.”

Which is ironic since we parents teach our kids to lie.

Children lie to avoid punishment. Alice didn’t want to get in trouble for scribbling in mom’s notebook. My little people-pleaser decided it would be okay to tell me the truth once she “got” that I wouldn’t be mad, that, in fact, I might be pleased.

How often, like Alice, do you lie to avoid conflict?

Maybe you say yes to something you would really rather not do?
Maybe you keep your opinions to yourself if they don’t match the party line?
Maybe you create an entire persona so that other people will like, admire or respect you?
Or maybe you just tell a little white lie because you think it’s what that person wants to hear?

The research is clear, children lie to avoid punishment. But adults do it too. The difference is that we adults should know better.

Developmentally small children are too young to understand that lying also disconnects. It prevents intimacy, creates distance, prevents trust…

As adults we’re supposed to “get” this. But we still lie to avoid the punishment of social conflict, to avoid feeling judged or criticized or vulnerable in any way.

We do this at the cost of true intimacy. And we teach our kids a dangerous trade off. We teach them to sacrifice their own authenticity for the false sense of safety that comes from avoiding conflict.

Children tell the truth when they learn the value of honesty. Parents teach the value of honesty by telling the truth.

Saying no when you mean it. Speaking up when it’s important to you. Being yourself, no apologies. Letting other people be responsible for their own feelings.

And if you get a negative response? You teach your kid that the sun still rises.

Psst: If this all seems easier said than done,  check out my latest telecourse. Starts November 30th!